Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Michael Phelps once swallowed a turtle whole while swimming across the Atlantic, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
If you spell Michael Phelps in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Michael Phelps tells fortune cookies what message to give him.
Michael Phelps once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Michael Phelps is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Michael Phelps.
When Michael Phelps falls in water, Michael Phelps doesn’t get wet. Water gets Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps can divide by zero.
Michael Phelps sucks the nougat out of Snickers bars and discards the empty, chocolate husks.
Michael Phelps once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Michael Phelps doesn’t need to wax; he just wills his body hair not to grow.
Michael Phelps thinks Heidi Klum is “Decent, but I’ve seen better.”
When Michael Phelps uses a semicolon; it’s always correct.
Michael Phelps knows what the hell “Bohemian Rhapsody” is all about.
If you have five dollars and Michael Phelps has five dollars, Michael Phelps has more money than you.
There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Michael Phelps’ computer. Michael Phelps is always in control.
Apple pays Michael Phelps 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Michael Phelps can sneeze with his eyes open.
Michael Phelps destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Michael Phelps can kill two stones with one bird.
Michael Phelps once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
While urinating, Michael Phelps is easily capable of welding titanium.
Michael Phelps doesn’t believe in Germany.
When Michael Phelps is in a crowded area, he doesn’t walk around people. He walks through them
Simply by pulling on both ends, Michael Phelps can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Michael Phelps doesn’t merely beat competitors. He wipes out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Michael Phelps can slam a revolving door.
Michael Phelps does not “style” his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Michael Phelps doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Michael Phelps out. It failed miserably.
Sir Edmund Hillary’s first words upon reaching the summit of Everest were:
“Fuck, Phelps beat me again.”
Michael Phelps merely shrugged.
Michael Phelps can walk on water but doesn’t want to show off, so he swims instead.
When Aquaman needs help he calls Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps cashed his plane ticket in and swam Butterfly to the Olympics.
Michael Phelps arrived in China riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
Michael Phelps craps out Energizer batteries.
Michael Phelps doesn’t swim through the water… the water swims around him.
The only thing that can defeat Michael Phelps is another Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps was hungry before a race and ate his competition.
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Michael Phelps takes this as a personal insult.
Michael Phelps only swims through the water because he considers walking on top of it too pretentious
Michael Phelps can swim through dry land.
Michael Phelps doesn’t swim with sharks. Sharks swim with Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps sleeps underwater with one eye open.
The First rule of Michael Phelps is: you do not talk about Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps is the reason why Ian Thorpe went into retirement.
Michael Phelps’ pulse is measured on the richter scale.
There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps once kicked a shark in the head… Its descendants are known today as the hammerhead.
Michael Phelps doesn’t wear a watch and he never is late, in fact is always arrives in world record time.
Michael Phelps recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Some swimmers use drag suits in practice… Michael Phelps uses a lead suit.
Michael Phelps was what Willis was talkin’ about.
Michael Phelps can sneeze with his eyes open… underwater.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Michael Phelps pajamas.
